So, what's this BDSM-thing really?

That's a question I've been thinking about a lot lately. Both because my vanilla friends have been asking me, and because I've started checking out vanilla men. Which just feels rather pointless.

Well, I know what we DO ofcourse. I know about D/s, bondage, flogging, masochism, consent, fetishes and so on.

But what IS it? Is it just a "hobby"? Is it just something I like? Is it a preference? Or is it something stronger, something more ... basic? Like a basic need for all these things. Something I can't do without, something that I’ll sorely miss if I end up in a vanilla relationship?

Because let's face it. Finding a kinky boyfriend is hard. Atleast in Norway. Atleast for me it seems.

The English Wikipedia lists BDSM as a sexual preference. While the Norwegian one defines it as an orientation.
Which one should I choose to believe? Or … should I believe any of them? After all, we all know that Wikipedia is an undependable source of information sometimes.

If it’s a preference then it implies that it’s a voluntary choice. Does it mean that I’ve chosen to be like this? That I simply find vanilla sex to be boring?

I spoke with a vanilla friend about this last night. What surprised me, is that he didn’t feel like this was something I’ve chosen. I’ve known this guy for years, and we talk about everything, so there’s not many people who knows as much about my sexlife as he does.
So he knows how I always felt like something was missing during all my earlier relationships. Even when I was superinlove and had a great sexlife I felt that something was somehow “wrong”. Sex was great, but it was still unfulfilling. I can’t tell if something was missing in my relationship aswell. I was unmedicated for my bipolar condition at the time, so my head just wasn’t working the way it should. To be quite honest with you I was quite a whack job at the time. The poor guy should have a medal or something ...
My friend knows how hard I’ve tried to like vanilla sex. Experimenting, using different positions, making sure there’s been lots of variation. But it’s always gotten old, fast.

I thought that BDSM was an interesting concept for years before I actually tried it. My ex was, and still is, very vanilla so we never tried much out. When we did, even though it was just a tiny little taste, it was amazing. I managed to enjoy sex in a way I never had. He commented on it ofcourse. But even though he enjoyed my reaction to it, he rarely wanted to try it again. Which was frustrating, to say the least. To him this was a bit of fun, something to do when we had lots of time and felt a little crazy. To me … this felt natural. I felt like I needed it.

The past couple of years I’ve been fortunate enough to get to know lots of kinksters. I’ve gotten friends, I’ve felt safe and comfortable enough to play and push limits. And it’s felt like coming home.

Another thing people have mentioned, is that I just don’t seem like the type who’ll be into kink. And by that I don’t think about the fact that I supposedly look like a Sundayschool teacher ... I don’t like extreme things, I’m not an adrenalinjunkie, I don’t like to set myself apart from others. So it’s not like I’ve checked this out because I thought it seemed cool. No, it was actually quite scary and felt a bit shameful.
Ofcourse, my kinky friends know that you can never really tell who’s into kink. But people with no experience and little information tend to stereotype.

So I don’t feel like I have a choice.

A kinky friend of mine said that she feels that a D/s-relationship has an extra dimension to it. And yes, I think she’s right. When it comes to BDSM there’s a general agreement that good communication is vital. Ofcourse, that is no less true for a “regular” relationship, but it seems like kinksters are often better at it.
Then there’s the little games we play. Like having rules, getting ordered to do stuff, orgasm denial, hidden little remotecontrolled surprises. Not to mention the sessions in themselves. As a masochist I just have to mention flogging, spanking, pinching, getting slapped in the face …

I mean, come on! How am I supposed to go back to vanilla after experiencing the erotic pleasure in masochism!?

I also love the D/s-part of BDSM. I love being able to be ME without my partner being annoyed that I’m indecisive or “too servile”. I love being able to feel small and protected. I love it so much that the thought of a relaxed 24/7-relationship is very tempting.

When I dote around my partner and his guests, making sure they have fresh coffee, getting cold beer from the fridge or making a tasty dinner. It’s not because of my “training” that I do that. I do that because I care about him, because I want to.

I was partly raised by my grandma. She would never let us do anything, but set the plates and not even that sometimes. “No, sit down and relax!”, that’s what she told us. We were all quite spoiled, or atleast I was since I seemed to be her favourite. So in part I’m raised like this, and I love it when I get to follow the urge to act like that.
My parents on the other hand raised me to tell my guests to feel at home, if they’re hungry or thirsty they know where to find food, or atleast have the good sense to ask for it.

So I guess my behaviour is a mix of what my parents, and what grandma taught me.

It’s not like I want to go around not having to make any of my own decisions. I pity the man who tries to take over control over how I raise my kids. In the kitchen I’m a control freak, and noone gets to rule over my cooking.
It’s the little things I love. The small rules, being able to ask for advice and get it, being told I do a good job with the house every once in a while, getting consequences for breaking rules. And I simply LOVE being able to have the bottom role in the sexlife, knowing that he gets equal pleasure out of being the top.

I’m just rambling I guess. I know I’ll ever go back to vanilla. I won’t even TRY to figure out if this is a preference or an orientation. I don’t have the experience, the knowledge or the education to even consider doing something like that.

I’m just trying to figure out how to explain this to my vanilla friends when they try to hook me up with someone who thinks kinky is leaving the lights on during sex.

So, what about this?

I love sex, I love how varied it can be if we dare push some boundaries and face some taboos. I love how the human body can turn pain into pleasure.

I love the little powergames and mindgames we play.

Compared to all of this, good old fashioned “vanilla-sex” as we call it, simply becomes boring after a while!

And since sex, for me, is such an important part of a relationship. I have no intentions of being bored in bed for the next 20 years. I want to have fun! I want orgasms I can only get through pain and humiliation. I want to enjoy reading a book on the floor by my Masters feet.

So don’t hook me up with men who thinks that side of me is too freaky to even consider trying out. Find me a wonderful dominant, sadistic mind with even more kinky fantasies than me. Someone who’ll love me, respect me, challenge me, push me, reward and punish me.

I am kinky, hear me scream!